Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Nomad no more!

I haven’t been a good blogger as of late for a few reasons. #1 Mamahood hit me! #2 Usually when something is going on, I keep to myself. I hide out from FB and blogs and even my phone. Those who know me know that I’m not great with responding to voicemail and text to begin with. So, in an effort to get it all out, here it goes.

Eliza is 3 months old! She is my little sack of sugar...I could eat her up! (Thank you KW for introducing me to Elizabeth Mitchell.) Quite honestly, motherhood is the most overwhelming calling, role, job anyone will ever have. I certainly don’t have it all together these days, but we’ll get there. I hope! Every day I pray that I'll be able to fulfill this role and not crumble under pressure. Sure there are the beautiful moments that I just breathe in and wish would last forever. Then there is the reality of sheer exhaustion and unexpected happenings that make this mortal journey sometimes painful and hard to bear. In talking to many friends recently I have been reminded that we are all given that which we can bear. If we all dropped our trials out on the table, we’d want to scoop our own back up in comparison to others. This isn’t about comparing trials or hardships. It’s about the reality that life is sometimes hard and things happen that we can’t explain. Last week Eliza was diagnosed with a condition that only occurs to 1 or 2 of every 1,000 babies born. Who knew she’d be the one in a 1,000? Needless to say, it’s been wearing on me. We don’t have many answers yet. They say it is mild. It is not life threatening, but still, I wish I could change the reality that my sweet daughter may have to have this condition her entire life. We’re searching for answers and the right doctor and PTs/OTs who can help her and helps us to help her. Eliza is our world! It’s funny how I just want her to go to sleep sometimes, but then I miss her like crazy while she sleeps. I just want to stare at her. She is growing so quickly! The little missy is in the 85th percentile for weight. She’s a healthy girl, for that I am most grateful! She’s found her voice! She giggled for the first time while in UT. This morning my heart melted when she recognized Nate as her Daddy and gave him the biggest smile before he left for work. They are going to have a special bond, I know it. For now, she’s a mama’s girl and I’m okay with that.

On another note, my heart aches for NYC. It’s nearly pathetic how much I miss the city. I dream of it. I have cravings for it. I imagine taking Eliza to the parks and playgrounds. I wish Eliza and I could play with all of her little boyfriends that were born around the same time in the M2 ward.  My heart longs for our friends—many remaining in the city and others spread all over from London to AZ. I know that we can and will make new friends here in TX, but it doesn’t take away from how much I need and miss our already friends. I think I feel it now especially because I’m a mom and I see that moms need other moms, as well as others to buoy them up now and again and remind them how normal, human, and wonderful they are. As a person who for the longest time was friends to moms, but wasn’t a mom herself, I realize that time was good for me. I learned a lot! Now I realize how much more I could have done to help others out. I’m not big on “mom groups,” but I am big on genuine friendships and people who care about other people. In short, I wish I was closer to many mom friends and other pseudo moms who have been shining examples to me of what it means and what it takes to be a mother.

(FUNNY STORY: Eliza wore her I heart NYC onesie for the first time this weekend and within an hour had a major blow out in it. Guess we'll have to go back and get a new one!)

We are MOVING this Saturday into our own apartment. About dang time! Just kidding, but REALLY. I’m very grateful to my in-laws who have let us take our time to figure out what we want from Houston for now. We’re in no rush to buy or build a home. Quite honestly, the thought frightened the bejeebees out of me. We’re not ready for that. I’m not ready to settle. The longest I’ve lived anywhere was NYC and that isn’t saying much considering it was short of 4 years. I’ve always handled change well, or so I thought. I think this time around I’ve just experienced a lot of change at once and it has finally taken its toll on me. Move, graduate, baby, all the while living with in-laws. Thus, I’m still feeling pretty transient. I think it isn’t that I don’t handle change well. I don’t handle being in limbo well! We’ve been in limbo long enough. I’m ready to find some normalcy or to accept my new normal. What’s normal anyway?!

And that folks is what’s been boggled up inside of me. Not a day goes by that I don’t beg Nate to take us back to the city. (NOTE TO SELF: Remember, we chose to leave because it was right for us right now.) Who knows what will happen from here. I DO like Texas. Don’t get me wrong. We are in a GOOD place, and I KNOW it. There are good people here, and in time I know TX will feel like home too.

Eliza is our little piece of heaven and she is what has gotten me through the past 6 months. I’m ready to bring my baby home and make our little apartment (or not so little apartment by NY standards) our happy place.


Dustin and Melissa said...

I love when you post on your blog! I love the annoucement and I love Eliza! She is perfect in every way!

I am excited for you to move into your apartment and I am excited you will get to experience bringing your baby home for the first time. I love you Rach!

Shannon Thornton said...

Oh rachael, I miss you! I know I saw you like 2 weeks ago, but, I miss you. Motherhood gets easier, I swear...otherwise this world wouldn't be so populated, right? Let's chat. Hope little L is ok, can't wait to see pictures of your new place! Xoxo

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